2 Bike 2 Furious

We’ve been writing this newsletter for almost eight months now, and we’ve touched on some pretty controversial topics: zoning reform, the arena, pizza restaurants, and how far is too far for a turkey trot (the answer is 5 miles… 5 miles is too far). But today we’re finally doing it. We’re touching the third rail of Alexandria civic discourse. We’re talking about bike lanes.

Yeah, we said it. “Bike lanes.” Did you have a reflexive physical reaction to that phrase? Maybe your heart rate accelerated? Perhaps you recoiled from your screen, or logged onto Facebook to create a private group? Whatever happened to you, we can assure you it’s completely normal—there’s no need to consult a medical professional. Getting worked up about bike lanes, pro or con, is a time-honored tradition here in the Port City. There are a lot of reasons why this has become such a sensitive topic and we’re not going to get into all of them here (this isn’t the ALXNow comments section). But we’d like to suggest that bike lanes in Alexandria have been contentious in part because so many of our bike lanes… are bad.

We know, we know! Hot take alert! We promise we’re not saying this to be hypercritical provocateur edgelords. It’s just that we have had way too many car-bike close calls from both sides of that hyphen, and we’re pretty sure that most people reading this can empathize. It’s easy enough to blame individual cyclists or drivers for any particular interaction [Editor’s note: especially if they’re from Maryland], but fundamentally this is a problem of infrastructure. Most of our local bike lanes are narrow strips of paint coincidentally located in the exact same place where car doors open, drivers line up to parallel park, and UberEats workers abandon their vehicles to deliver your Doritos Locos taco combo with a side of nacho fries [Editor’s note: stop judging my dinner, Becky]. All of this forces cyclists into the car travel lane in unpredictable ways, and nobody’s happy about that. Nobody!! And because scientists have not yet invented paint that also functions as a three-dimensional force field, sometimes cars do the reverse and encroach into bike lanes to use them as de facto passing areas and speed bump avoidance zones. None of this is conducive to everybody getting from point A to point B without squishing and/or being squished by each other.

The problem with all this (aside from the squishing) is that when we create unsafe bike lanes, we create inconvenience and irritation without truly providing any of the intended benefits. We’re getting everybody heated over something that doesn’t even work very well! This seems like a waste of precious energy that could be better spent working together to achieve our common goals, like organizing parades or annexing Shirlington.

One infrastructure solution would be to build out a network of bike lanes that are physically protected or separated from car traffic on important routes. Unlike painted lanes or *shudder* sharrows, protected lanes make all road users safer. This is backed up by loads of data and it’s working remarkably well in cities across Europe. Now, realistically, if we started building protected bike lanes, does that mean people would stop arguing about them? Hahahahahaha no. But if we’re going to keep doing projects that could aggravate people who drive cars (again, a category that includes us) by eliminating some parking or slightly increasing travel times, we should at least actually reduce the potential for squishing, smashing, bumping, and even lightly grazing while we’re at it. Otherwise, what’s the point?

The problem is, our biggest challenge isn’t engineering, it’s political will. In Alexandria as in so many other places, cyclists are often viewed as a small minority of the population, leading some to argue that we shouldn’t invest scarce public resources on their behalf. While it’s true that most residents don’t get around by bike now, it’s almost certainly the case that more would do so if it were safer. And more people biking would be a net social good–less traffic, cleaner air, lower likelihood of perishing in a climate change-fueled natural disaster, et cetera. Everybody wins!

Pedestrians, cyclists, motorists–we all deserve to be safe. This can sometimes feel like a radical statement because it seems so far out of reach. The city achieved a major milestone when it announced that there were no traffic fatalities in 2023, but we won’t be able to say that for 2024, and people continue to be injured in crashes that don’t result in death. We still have so much farther to go.

We write this newsletter because we love this city. Do we use bad words sometimes? Yes, but that’s because we give a shit. Everything we’ve published for the last eight months comes from a place of genuine affection and a desire to share a perspective that we believe has been underrepresented in the other forums and media outlets that are available. Much of what’s conveyed in those other venues is a point of view that’s held out to represent the “default” Alexandrian (motorist, homeowner, longtime resident), when in reality we are so much more diverse than just one kind of person. Our community is always stronger when we seek out more voices and meet a broader range of needs. After all, this is a city of 158,309. We can make room for all kinds of people and priorities and interests—and maybe even a couple of decent bike lanes.

Things You May Have Missed Because You Have a Life 

• The Alexandria Library is hosting a pretty incredible-looking panel discussion on Sunday with the descendants of one of the 1939 library sit-in participants, and you can either go in person or stream it online.
• LIST WATCH [*siren sound effect*]: The photobook site Mixbook has named King Street America’s #7 most charming main street, and their explanation doesn’t mention bricks. Is that even allowed? Can someone check the rulebook?
• Last weekend’s Independent Bookstore Day kicked off a new NoVa Indie Bookstore Crawl lasting through May 31. Fellow bibliophiles, please join Jesse in participating acquiring books he’ll have time to read sometime in 2026.
• Archaeologists found two glass jars of 250-year-old cherries in the basement of Mount Vernon and we’re not proud to admit this, but… would.

Local Discourse Power Rankings

1. Port City Pilfering (Last week: NR). A couple weeks ago Port City Brewing took home a gold medal at the 2024 World Beer Cup for their Optimal Wit, which, duh. Those of us here in Alexandria know well this is not only one of the finest beers you’d ever have the pleasure to drink (especially when it’s blazing hot out, see #3 below) but also an obviously superior example of the style. And all of this was fine and great until local news coverage gave plaudits to [rubs eyes incredulously] the Fairfax County brewery?? We’re sorry, WHAT? As of this writing, the subhead on this Fox5 video title STILL SAYS FAIRFAX COUNTY. We Alexandrians have suffered many indignities at the hands of our baronial neighbor to our south and west, but this appropriation of our cherished and award-winning local business is the final straw. This is an opera glove to the face moment. This is pistols at dawn. We will not rest until the merchant ship standard of the Port City waves proudly above their Walmart and their Lowes. You’re on notice, Fairfax and soon all your base(ball fields) are belong to us.
2. Budget (Last week: NR). We have a budget! [white smoke puffs out of the chimneys of 301 King Street]. Earlier in the week City Council gave final approval to the FY25 spending package, which included critical investments in our schools, funds commitments made to city employees in collective bargaining agreements, a plus-up for our affordable housing fund, and investments in DASH bus as well as the ARISE guaranteed-income pilot program. Missing from the budget despite our repeated entreaties was funding to turn every parking lot in Potomac Yard into pickleball courts, and the permanent acquisition of an Oscar Meyer Weinermobile to use in city parades like that little car the pope rides around in.
3. Unnaturally Aggressive Natural Phenomena (Last week: 4). Do you guys remember spring? It was a lovely season, used to come between winter and summer. A season of gentle temperatures, and caressing breezes. A season that made you go damn it’s worth living here, and indolent hours could be spent outside in comfort and requiescence. Well this marks about the third year in a row we skipped directly from the frigid and wet days of late winter directly into Satan’s jockstrap. Bring back spring! No one asked for extra summer! We’re not ready for these temps in the 90s, we haven’t practiced bringing things to mop our face with everywhere we go. Have you tried knocking doors in jeans in these temperatures?? (Seriously though, have you?) Now if you’ll excuse us we’ll be rickeying the hell out of our gin in a futile attempt to speed our adaptation to these suddenly sweltering days.
4. Whiskey Tango Foxtrot (Last week: NR). Bougie coffeeshop cum corner store Foxtrot precipitously closed all their locations last week, continuing the Alexandria specific curse of that location at the corner of King and Washington (we genuinely have lost track of the progression of places that have been there). Reached for comment, Tatte just smiled smugly while opening 17 additional locations in the DC region over the course of your reading this paragraph.
5. All You Can’t Eat (Last week: 2). The New York Times’ new list of the 25 best restaurants in the DC area doesn’t include any establishments in Alexandria, and people are… reacting. It’s one thing for locals to air critiques of our own dining scene, but for a bunch of New Yorkers to waltz in here and insult us like this? New York City, the home of dirty water hot dogs, the worse kind of clam chowder, and a salad that’s literally just celery, apples, and mayonnaise mixed together? That New York City? Getthefuckouttahere.

Alexandria’s Hottest Club Is… Other People’s Houses

Alexandrians are doing something kind of weird this spring. No, not that. Ew, no, not that either, gross! We were talking about looking around in strangers’ homes. We promise, it’s not quite as creepy as it sounds. The homeowners are giving permission. The visitors are keeping their snooping to a tasteful minimum. It’s house and garden tour season, baby!

Old Town’s Historic Home and Garden Tour took place on April 20, and the Del Ray House & Garden Tour is coming up on May 11. Both of these events are long-running traditions in Alexandria, which is fitting because allowing members of the public to take a gander inside private homes has its own lengthy history dating all the way back to the days of the Roman Empire, a thing we are never not thinking about. Gawping at the residences of political and cultural elites was big during the Renaissance and has remained popular over the past couple centuries, but the phenomenon unquestionably peaked in the 2000s with the pinnacle of the form, MTV Cribs. 

In case you’re unfamiliar, this was a program that Wikipedia generously describes as a “documentary television show” but that’s more accurately characterized as an orgiastic visual extravaganza of nouveau riche celebrities’ atrocious taste in home furnishings. In-home stripper pole? Check (Kim Kardashian). Fridges containing nothing but Vitamin Water? Check (50 Cent). A New York City penthouse containing several fainting couches, no “jarring colors,” and doors made of actual gold? Check (Mariah Carey). Between these iconic moments and the multiple celebs who had the balls to film the show in houses that didn’t even belong to them, Cribs raised the bar extremely high for regular folks who open their homes to guests on neighborhood tours.

It’s obvious why this concept has been so enduringly popular: it appeals to the voyeur in all of us. We just love seeing how other people live! We should stop trying to deny this and just own it. We are gawkers. We are domestic rubberneckers. We want aspirational interior decorating ideas and we are willing to fork over 45 to 55 dollars to steal them get inspired. Pristine landscaping! Exciting wallpapers! It’s like Pinterest, but real life. The Old Town tour in particular is a BAR bacchanalia—those houses may be old as hell, but they can still get it (aesthetically speaking). Are the ticket prices a decent chunk of change to spend just to peep inside a half-dozen dwellings? Sure, but it’s totally worth it, especially if your idea of a good time is whispering “I bet those plaster moldings are original” or asking what year a specific windowpane was replaced.

What’s really amazing about all this is how many people actually volunteer to let dozens of randos traipse around their private spaces. It’s pretty brave! You have to be willing to expose yourself to a high volume of critical gazes, torturing yourself wondering whether each polite, smiling visitor is inwardly cringing at every choice you’ve ever made. On a more positive note, signing up to host will provide the motivation you need to finally finish that project you’ve been meaning to get around to for the past six years—yeah, you know the one. It’s a lot of work, and we salute all the intrepid souls who participate in order to help raise money for community projects and charitable causes.

It must also be noted that the very concept of opening your home to a house and garden tour is not an option for the majority of Alexandrians who are renters. We’ve both lived in apartments, so we get it. The whole thing can seem a little hoity-toity when you’re in possession of neither a house nor a garden. Maybe we should consider democratizing the idea by broadening it beyond single-family residences and townhouses. Why not include apartments? Even if the highlight of the tour (based on our experiences) is “And here’s the oven that I use as overflow storage for my pots and pans since I only have one cabinet”? Ingenuity is aspirational in its own way! Let’s also get some tiny houses and ADUs in there. Let’s swing by a community garden while we’re at it to see what yard-less folks are tending and growing. Arlington does a special sustainability-focused green home tour, an awesome idea that we should steal respectfully copy with full credit and attribution. After all, Alexandrians live in all kinds of settings and we should celebrate (and ogle) them on an equal opportunity basis–because everyone in this city deserves their own chance to say “Welcome to my crib.”

We Get Letters

Let’s kick it off with a letter from Brian K. about our beloved canine companions:

I wish the whole thing about being required to have a dog in this town was only a lighthearted joke. I have several times now told people in Alexandria that I am allergic to dogs (very allergic) and gotten the response, “Wait?! Are you even allowed to live here?”–and not in a joking tone. The allergy is real, as is the unpleasantness. I don’t mind missing out on animal shelters or dog parks, but it does sting to know that most of the Torpedo Factory and the main indoors bar of Port City is something that, well, is not as inclusive as it would like to think it is. If . . . Becky . . . was running for office, I would definitely support more public trash cans and focus on enforcing current leash laws. A dog with a wig eating pizza–ok–just promise me the inside of the pizza parlors will still abide by the state health codes and only allow service animals inside–otherwise I’m stuck with grocery pizzas while everyone else gets to live in this pizza golden age for the city. Not fair.

Brian, thanks for writing in to document the plight of pet-allergic and -averse folks across the city. It’s a great point, and we’re grateful you shared it. Your letter has also given us an excuse to share the new city seal that another reader mocked up for us, so we thank you for that as well. (AI, still hilariously bad at hands… er, paws.)

Nailed it. Next up we have a letter from subscriber Marta S. hyping us up for an upcoming city event:

Hiiiii Alxtra, have you heard of the upcoming Eco-City Festival? The first in our city’s history! May 11th. Everyone who’s anyone will be taking the Dash 31 bus there from King St Metro and enjoying the near-zero waste event, full of EV test rides, bicycle rides, and super cool carnival games! If you’re keen to volunteer, there’s lots of slots on the Volunteer Alexandria webpage.

Thanks Marta, it sounds amazing and we hope to see everybody there!

One Awesome Thing in ALX

For the most part we’re glad to be done with April—cruelest month, too many showers, unnecessarily high prank density—but we’d be remiss if we bid it adieu without acknowledging that it was National Poetry Month! Longtime readers know that we’ve been known to take inspiration from verse and even to dabble in the rhyming arts ourselves. What can we say? It’s hard not to wax poetic when you live in a city so committed to fostering creative expression. 

Take, for example, the delightful DASHing Words in Motion poetry contest. The winners of this annual citywide competition get to have their sonnets, haikus, limericks, and quatrains displayed inside DASH buses for all to enjoy. This year’s winning entries were recently announced and they’re lovely odes to urban life. Putting the nail in the coffin of the “poetry is stuffy and boring” stereotype, one of the honorees happens to be the author of a book called Now Let’s Get Brunch: A Collection of RuPaul’s Drag Race Twitter Poetry, a copy of which we’re ordering from Old Town Books as we speak. We love culture!

But there’s more. Aside from our amateur bards—our homegrown Emilys Dickinson, our Pablos Neruda—did you know that Alexandria also has an official poet laureate? Every three years we anoint a local wordsmith to organize poetry-related events and compose verse commemorating notable occasions (you know that ALX275 poem is gonna be a banger). Our poet laureate program is the oldest one in Virginia by a decade [Editor’s note: suck it, Arlington!] and whoever holds the post inherits the email address “poet@alexandriava.gov,” striking jealousy into the hearts of all nerds [Editor’s note: including ours].

In Alexandria, poetry isn’t limited to a classroom or an auditorium or even a bus—it’s all around us. Sometimes you can even find it on a fence or inside a gumball machine thanks to members of the community who are dedicated to spreading joy with words. When encountered unexpectedly in public spaces, poems can remind us of our shared humanity, sparking moments of reflection and empathy amid the hustle and bustle of daily life. The world feels like it’s moving way too fast, but poetry makes us pause. We’re so lucky to live in a city where the simple act of stepping outside can bring us face to face with the beauty of language and the unifying power of creativity.

You can follow Becky @beckyhammer.bsky.social and Jesse @oconnell.bsky.social on Bluesky, or you can e-mail us anytime at alxtranewsletter@gmail.com.