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Gruesome greetings, you goblins and ghouls, and welcome to a very spooky special Halloween edition of your favorite Port City publication! After consuming a bad batch of caramel apples here in the ALXtra newsroom, your trusty editorial staff decided to send our typical format out to investigate those noises coming from the old barn full of rusty thresher blades [Editor’s note: why do we even have that barn??] and, well, it never came back. 

So we’re switching things up this week to try and help get you into the proper Samhain spirit! That’s right, this week’s issue is all hallows, no gallows. We have combed our local corner of the world wide (spider)web to bring you this witches’ brew of news, opinions, and jokes so bloodcurdling they’ll make you groan [Editor’s note: ok that last part is pretty much standard but whatever]. We’ve got some treats for you, along with some tricks. We’re talking about the things around these parts that scare us, and the places that are most definitely haunted. What costumes this year are in, what costumes are out, and which costumes of world-famous musicians can Jesse definitely recognize without any help [Editor’s note: look, I’ve already said sorry but also if you’d just dressed up as Bruce Springsteen I definitely would have gotten it on the first try!!]. 

No matter if your día is full of los muertos or if you’re preparing to Pokémon some saints, we hope you enjoy this special holiday edition of ALXtra—and have a safe, happy, and enjoyable Halloween.

Treats

• Even though the traditional order of operations is “trick or treat,” we’re doing treats first and there’s nothing you can do about it!!! Rationale: Alexandrians are collectively going through it right now and if we don’t get some good news soon we’re going to find ourselves drunk under the Braddock Road train overpass demanding hugs from passersby like clinically depressed bridge trolls. So, how about this? NEW PARK JUST DROPPED! Okay, it’s more of a promenade than a park, but the plaza at the end of Pendleton Street is now open to the public for activities such as strolling, sitting on swinging benches, enjoying the view of Oronoco Bay, staring into the middle distance while pretending to enjoy the view but actually feeling dead inside, and jogging. Some people who aren’t intimately familiar with local utilities’ capital projects (couldn’t be us) are confused about the hardscape and lack of vegetation, but this plaza is sitting on top of sewer overflow remediation infrastructure! It is a monument to the transformative power of public works!! So while you’re checking out this new space, take a moment to appreciate what’s going on underneath you: a maelstrom of sewage, rainwater, and debris rushing through dark tunnels in the bowels of the earth toward the wastewater treatment facility, that great alchemical factory where our sins are transmuted into something that’s clean but never truly forgotten. Guaranteed to lift your spirits!

• There is a beaver in Ben Brenman Park that has been cutting down trees. We know what you’re thinking: why is the wanton destruction of trees showing up in the treat section of this meticulously plotted and thematically consistent newsletter? Well, what if we told you that the beaver cutting down trees in Ben Brenman Park is a de facto employee of the city. That’s right, at a recent meeting of the Park and Recreation Committee it was shared that the city has begun to leave invasive trees that they would otherwise have to remove unprotected by a tree cage, so that this furry un-Lorax can do his thing by [Ke$ha voice] yelling timber. We’re left to wonder: is this the only semi-aquatic rodent that works for the city? Is he eligible for a pension? Do he and the arborist go out for beers at Ramparts after a long day at work? ALXtra is working on getting to the bottom of this crucial breaking news story.
• Earlier this month the annual ALIVE! Walkathon raised $120,000 to support local families facing food insecurity and housing instability. More than 350 people participated, coming together not just to stretch their legs but to strengthen the safety net for neighbors in need. This is a truly impressive accomplishment that couldn’t have happened without our community’s solidarity and generosity, which are needed more than ever right now. Be aware though, this event is not to be confused with the UNDEAD! Walkathon of small sugar-seeking zombies hitting our streets tonight—you’ll know which is which based on the presence of “charitable exertion” groans versus “rising from the grave” groans. Very different sounds, impossible to mix up. 
• You know what’s a treat? Drinking bourbon with interesting people in support of a great cause, and luckily for you, you can do just that in a week’s time. There is a bourbon night fundraiser in support of the Scholarship Fund of Alexandria coming up on Friday November 7, and you can register here.
• Here’s something that, not to mince words, is just an absolute fucking delight: a new map by friend/data viz wizard Tom VanAntwerp of where you can legally raise backyard chickens in Alexandria in compliance with the rule that they be kept 200 feet from anyone else’s residence. The answer is: basically nowhere, because all the houses are too close together, with a few hilarious exceptions. When the NIMBYs said that urban density would turn the city into a desolate hellscape, this is what they meant!! We feel like this legal detail maybe should have been mentioned in the Zebra’s 2021 article “Tips for Raising Chickens in Your Backyard” and definitely should be shared with the mods of the Backyard Chickens of Alexandria VA Facebook group, who are about to have an eggs-istential crisis. For real though, this effort combines everything we love: deep dives into convoluted policy that makes no sense, maps, remembering the time those people went on the cover of Greet Del Ray magazine to announce they were doing poultry crime. Until we do Zoning for Clucking, it looks like aspiring local homesteaders are condemned to continue acting out their Pioneer Woman fantasies in hiding from the watchful eye of the law—meanwhile, the rest of us will be over here laughing at the mental image of a chicken coop on stilts in the middle of Cameron Run.

• The final treat we wanted to briefly highlight is the excellent work being done by whoever’s running the Continues Arcade social media accounts. Their videos on Instagram and TikTok are so funny… from “guys I lied on my resume and got a job doing social media for this new Virginia arcade, please blow this up so I don’t get fired” to the Halloween-themed ghost photoshoot, you are killing it buddy, please keep doing what you’re doing. (And not directly relevant to this item but they’re also giving furloughed feds free food and game tokens during happy hour! We hope everyone continues patronizing this establishment!!)

Tricks

• Alexandria Living Magazine is advertising a fundraiser next month called “An Intimate Evening with George Washington” and… look, we’re just gonna say it. That sounds like an orgy with George Washington’s ghost. A revolutionary group grope, if you will. A celestial slam-o-rama. Spirited relations with the Spirits of ’76. A midnight ride but it’s not the British who are coming. The point is, the event organizers are gonna wind up with some extremely disappointed attendees. Picture it: you get to Duvall House ready to partake in some paranormal rumpy pumpy and instead you’re just supposed to stand around listening to some impostor share “his” most poignant memories of the 1760s? Meaning that you wore your authenticated colonial-era assless chaps for NOTHING?? Absolutely unacceptable false advertising, worst $150 charitable donation ever. 
• The headline on this piece “Firm using Alexandria address wins $220M federal contract for Trump immigration ads” is like one of those prompts to write a one-sentence horror story. We can’t decide which part of the story is more spine-chilling: that someone in close proximity to us is getting a Scrooge McDuck-sized pile of money to make those incredibly cringe videos where Kristi Noem pretends she’s in Sicario 3: Back in the Habit, or that this firm is making people think Alexandria is somehow involved when they’re really located in Fake Alexandria. We’re pretty sure it’s the second thing, especially because their LinkedIn page put a novel twist on Fake Alexandria and called it New Alexandria! As if that could fool us!! And while we can’t do anything about Phlegmy Riefenstahl over here getting paid the GDP of Kiribati to shoot B-roll for the next season of FBI: CIA: Cook County: Special Forces, we can absolutely disavow all civic connection to this story and make sure it stays across the borders in Fairfax effing County where it damn well belongs.
• But more than anything else in this issue, the thing that most exemplifies the “I got a rock” feeling of receiving all tricks and no treats is the ongoing government shutdown stretching into its… we forget how many weeks, and frankly whatever number belongs there is just going to make us angry. And the Patent and Trademark Office announcing it’s laying off 126 employees at its ALX headquarters is very much not helping. At this point the only silver lining we can think of is that furloughed federal employees have a lot of time on their hands to finally really enjoy rooting for the Commanders the Wizards the Nationals Alex Ovechkin.  

Five Spookiest Things in ALX

While nothing could possibly be scarier to Becky than breaking the established format of this newsletter [Editor’s note: I’m sorry! I’m a creature of habit! The world is already too chaotic as it is!!], here are a few runner-up jump scares that have Alexandrians peeking nervously through our fingers:

1. ACPS Leadership. In the span of a week, ACPS went from a shock announcement that a senior leader has zero jobs (COO Alicia Hart, departing for a role with Prince William County) to a shock announcement that a senior leader had two jobs (Executive Director, Office of Facilities and Operations Ayanna Harrison, working full-time for both ACPS and a school down in Georgia). It’s starting to feel like the only role with job security over in Central Office is the guy who changes the numbers on the “Days Since ACPS Did Something That Makes You Shake Your Head and Mumble WTF” sign and honestly he’s not having to work all that hard just swapping the 0 and the 1. Seriously though—what is it going to take to change the conversation around ACPS. What is the story that is going to make people say, enough is enough. Will that start with the School Board, will they be the ones to ask the hard accountability questions of the superintendent and others? If not them, are the rest of us prepared to? Whoever winds up rising to that occasion, the simple truth is that we are long past any leader at ACPS getting the benefit of the doubt, and we deserve straightforward answers to the very simple question—who in Central Office is actually minding the store.
2. Apartment buildings. Have you heard of them? Unspeakable structures rising from the earth like concrete crypts, built by evil people known as “developers.” Sometimes, in a twist too terrifying to believe, the city even helps them. It’s an affront to all that is good and holy in this world and the Alexandria Times wants you to know about it. If it weren’t for their Opinion page, who would issue the call to rise up against these four-story monstrosities looming over poor vulnerable single-family homes, casting shadows that block the pure and virtuous light of the sun? We’re human beings, not vampires!!! If you too reject the notion of living in Dracula’s crepuscular armpit, then join us in echoing the protestations of these fearmongering missives. “Why does the city not solicit any input?” we cry into the night from the rocks we apparently live under. “Why can’t we provide housing for people… without building any buildings (near me)?” We battle on in the fight to raise awareness of these sinister structures and their innocent victims (long-time residents). After all, YOU COULD BE NEXT!

3. Spreadsheets are not necessarily high on the list of inherently scary things [Editor’s note: suuure, person who’s apparently never had to figure out what a pivot table is and how to do one] but it’s absolutely true that one of the spookiest things in Alexandria right now is our budget. We’ve spent the past couple weeks writing about all the big priorities the city wants to tackle and our lack of available resources to get them all done. We don’t have any money! Every time we turn around something is happening that makes it more likely that we’ll have even less money! The cumulative impact of threats to our local economy keeps rising like water at the foot of King Street at high tide after a rain storm. And while the city is going to admirable lengths to keep delivering services at the levels we all expect, it’s growing increasingly clear that this upcoming budget process in March is going to be an exercise in facing hard choices and frustrating trade-offs.
4. For many years in Alexandria there has been one truth we could hold to be self-evident, one solid rock of fated inevitability to which we could cling while navigating life’s murky sea of unknowability and change: the number of pizza restaurants in this city would go up. However many pizzerias there were today, there would be an equal or greater quantity tomorrow. This week… that truth has failed us. Benny Diforza’s has fallen. No more pizzas so big you have to tilt the box at an angle to get it through the door. No more specials of the week with names that test the socially acceptable limits of Italian stereotypes. This is a weird and unsettled time. A cold darkness spreads where the warmth of the oven once glowed. Good night, sweet Benny’s. The ghosts of your double-paper-plate-sized slices will haunt our souls while we pray that the cruel pepperoni gods smile upon us and restore our positive pizzeria trajectory.
5. Are we scared enough yet? Should we even say the word “election”? Just hearing it sends a chill down our spines because we still haven’t recovered from the last one. But denial won’t save us: Virginia’s general election is shambling toward us this Tuesday, and there’s no garlic, silver bullet, or holy water strong enough to stop it. It’s been a long campaign season with some deeply un-fun surprises (in the future let’s keep the political twists confined to the latest season of “The Diplomat,” please) but we’re in the home stretch now! Things got extra real yesterday when Spanberger appeared in ALX for a rally at Los Tios. We’ve heard that giving out free jumbo margs is an effective get-out-the-vote strategy and we just want to state publicly that we’re amenable to having that strategy deployed on us. Speaking of GOTV, has everybody early voted?? Tomorrow’s the last day! ALXnow reports that turnout is up compared to four years ago. That’s good! …unless it’s bad. Is it good or bad? Don’t tell us, at this point we don’t want to know. If anyone is looking for us we’ll be hiding under the covers until it’s over. We’ll know it’s safe to come out once we never have to hear “I AM SPEAKING! I AM SPEAKING!!!!” during the commercial breaks of sporting events ever again.

Dressed for Success (But Like, Spooky Success)

Depending on when you read this you might have just a little bit of time left to pull together that perfect Alexandria-themed Halloween costume or just the chance to really, really confuse the Monday night late-shift cashiers at Trader Joe’s. Regardless of how you roll, if you’re still trying to come up with a too-clever-by-half habiliment hot take, here are a few locally relevant suggestions for anyone who needs a last-minute spark of inspiration: A gas-powered leaf blower in a dumpster. An Ewald Park survey. The Waterfront Park pump station (wear a cardboard box and splash water on yourself 227 times per year). A rabid fox. Art on the Avenue (bedeck yourself with maps, ceramics, and bars of soap). The Parkmobile app (fight with people about how you’re pronounced all night). A “hat trick” that has nothing to do with what a hat trick actually is. Gregory Alex aka Fancy Pigeon aka Pickles (complete with sassy leg feathers). 

And while we haven’t seen any of those genius ideas yet (please send us pics if you do one!!) we have seen quite a few other great costumes already. Word of warning to any parent planning to man the candy bowl all night tonight: for the love of god learn the names of the different K-Pops Demon Hunters (K-Pop Demons Hunters?) because you are going to be seeing them alllllll night. And it won’t just be Rumis and Zoeys and, uh, the third ones—if you’re lucky you’ll also get to see some fabulous demon crows like this one here:

And don’t worry, even if you don’t see a Saja Boy or seven you’re sure to see tons of other great Halloween lewks, like all of these favorites from the parade on Sunday:

Things in Alexandria That Are Definitely Haunted

• The Wilkes Street Tunnel: we won’t go down this thing if it’s even mid to late afternoon, let alone actual goddamn night, do you know how many colonial ghosts can fit in that thing??
• The Tetanus Tunnel: two words… skater ghosts.
• The combined sewer system: it’s haunted by the ghosts of the soon-to-be obsolete sewage overflow outfalls, duh. And maybe also the indefatigable spirit of Hazel.
• City Hall: oh you think that door is just opening and closing by itself in the middle of the night?
• The new sushi place on Duke Street: we’ve heard on foggy nights the sign flickers and you can see the ghostly outline of a palm tree and a flamingo and the words “Opening Soon” on the wind.
• The big white building on N. Washington Street with the creepy mannequin in the cupola: do we even have to explain this one??
• Great Waves Waterpark: call us crazy but the sounds emanating from the wave pool machinery do not sound fully mechanical in nature.
• Robert E. Lee’s boyhood home: at the very least it’s definitely haunted by the memory of Bobby catching that major L, heyoooooooo!

Things in Alexandria That Are Definitely Not Haunted

• The house of that woman near Duke Street who was terrorized by spooky goons and made national news… and it turned out to be a prank.
• Seminary Road: the ghosts tried to haunt it but they got stuck in road diet traffic.
• Brunch at Matt and Tony’s: spectral beings don’t like being caught on camera by influencers filming their cornflake-crusted French toast.
• JD Vance’s former home: not even poltergeists want to encounter the remnants of his aura.

Housekeeping Note

We’re juggling some travel and family obligations so we won’t be back with you in two weeks like usual, but you’ll see us next in your inboxes on November 21—just in time to complain about having to run five miles (FIVE MILES?!?! WHY!!) the following Thursday. Until then, please be sure to comment, share, and tell all your friends about the spookiest smartest most newsletter-shaped newsletter in all of Alexandria.

Boo!

You can follow Becky @beckyhammer.bsky.social and Jesse @oconnell.bsky.social on Bluesky, or you can e-mail us anytime at alxtranewsletter@gmail.com.

ALXtra is a free-to-read newsletter about current events in Alexandria, Virginia. Subscribe to get it delivered directly to your inbox. Paid subscriptions give you access to the comments. Revenue from subscriptions gets used in the following ways: 1) a third goes into a charity fund, and every time that fund hits $500 we’ll make a donation to a local charity in the name of ALXtra’s readers and we’ll feature and write about that organization, like we did here, here, here, and here; 2) another third of the money will go toward investments in the newsletter; and 3) the final third of the money goes toward self-care for your two intrepid authors.