Continuing Resolutions

Happy New Year Alexandria and welcome ba-[fireworks go off] and welcome back to AL-[fireworks go off] and welcome back to ALXtr-[fireworks go off] HOLY SHIT ALEXANDRIA, WE GET IT ALREADY, YOU LOVE FIREWORKS. As we were saying [cautiously braces for more explosion noises] as we were saying, happy new year—we hope you all had a wonderful celebration and had the opportunity to enjoy one of the city’s two official fireworks displays in addition to any of the dozens of enthusiastic amateur efforts.

Despite the opening paragraph, a new year brings more than just ringing eardrums and a Monday spent nursing a hangover on the living room floor while playing “whale watching” (IYKYK). A new year also brings resolutions! We’re not going to subject you to a lengthy rundown of our own resolutions [Editor’s note: Jesse is going to stop using words whose sole purpose is to convey “I have read many thick dusty books” and Becky is going to stop audibly groaning when he uses those sort of words anyway [Editor’s note²: no she isn’t]] we are going to suggest some resolutions for Alexandria! A healthy spirit of self-improvement and growth is the key to any life well-lived, and given that Alexandria is a spry and youthful 275 years old we figured we’d pitch in to keep nudging things in a positive direction.

In 2024, Alexandria should resolve to catastrophize about fewer things. It’s natural to imagine the worst-case scenario when confronted with something new and scary, but we’ve gotten trapped in a perpetual citywide doom spiral lately and it’s not good for our collective health. Life is full of challenges. Change is constant. We’re going to be okay! We’re going to take deep breaths together. We’re going to journal (“Dear diary, Alexandria is not turning into Rosslyn”). We’re going to download the Calm app because no one can be pessimistic while Matthew McConaughey is reading a bedtime story about the mysteries of the universe.

In 2024, Alexandria should resolve to have more parades. We mean it. Our city has a brand to uphold and that brand is parades. We can’t just rest on our laurels of regionally and nationally notable parades for George Washington’s Birthday, St. Patrick’s Day, Halloween, Scotsmen Christmas, and Christmas But Boats—we also need an Alexandria’s Birthday Parade, an Arbor Day Parade, and National Dog Day Parade. We need a May Day Parade. We need a Pi Day Parade and a Pie Day Parade. We need a Parade Magazine Parade. If we won’t permanently close additional blocks of lower King to car traffic we can at least be damn sure no one can drive down there because if it’s a day that ends in y you’d better believe there’s a motherfucking parade. Oh what about a Opposite Day Parade, that’s a bad good one too.

In 2024, Alexandria should resolve to annex Shirlington pursue more cross-jurisdictional partnerships. We’re really fortunate to share borders with other great communities full of exciting amenities of their own. Last year saw coordination and successful implementation on a couple major initiatives like the Glebe Rd. bridge over Four Mile Run and the Dominion powerlines under Four Mile Run. We should build on that momentum this year by annexing Shirlington finding new ways to collaborate with our neighbors. Once we annex Shirlington make it easier for residents to enjoy opportunities in all these neighborhoods equally, we’ll truly be following through on our commitment to regional cooperation.

In 2024, Alexandria should resolve to finish one—just one—of the numerous in-progress outdoor amenity projects that have been dragging on forever. They’ve been working on the Simpson dog park for about a decade in dog-years. The Holmes Run trail was seemingly last in good repair and fully open when it was still being used by wagon trains bound for the glory and opportunity west of the Cumberland Gap. The Del Ray Gateway/Colasanto Spray Park was conceived of so long ago and so little progress has been made that spray parks aren’t even trendy anymore and we’re going to have to change it to the Colasanto Bounce Zone or whatever the 5-year-old set is currently into. And most importantly—where are the new pickleball courts we were promised!! [Editor’s note: Jesse.]

In 2024, Alexandria should resolve to open fewer pizza places. Yes, we’re already on record with this, but our pleas have gone unheeded. Could this be the year we stop the madness? We’ve already got all the styles covered—New York, Chicago, Neapolitan, Roman, Detroit, New Haven, and whatever the hell &pizza is. We’re good! We have Jet’s, and thus we want for nothing. How about we expand our gastronomic horizons this year? DC has been getting a bunch of upscale Greek restaurants and authentic Mexico City (not Tex-Mex) joints, those look pretty good! Or what about Stephen Starr, how do we get him to mosey down the GW Parkway? Seems like something we should address in Zoning for Housing Phase II, Zoning for Culinary Diversity.

So that’s it! We think this is a great list of totally serious resolutions that the city will absolutely achieve and we’ll see you back here in a year’s time to celebrate all of our successful collective growth!

Things You May Have Missed Because You Have a Life 

• Just in time for Dry Moist January, Orkney Springs Distillery has opened in Del Ray for purchases and reservation-only tastings of artisanal vodka and gin. Everything they make is gluten-free and organic so we assume that means it’s healthy [Editor’s note: information is for educational purposes only and does not constitute professional medical advice]!
• The city is planning to launch an e-bike incentive program later this year to provide residents with rebates on eligible purchases. Because why huff and puff on a regular bike just to get sideswiped by a driver swerving to avoid the Monroe Ave speed bumps when you could have the exact same thing happen to you but with less pedaling?
• The Joy on the Avenue pop-up bar is holding a Festivus celebration on Saturday night that will feature an opportunity for customers to air their grievances. Unfortunately this event will be completely unattended because no one in this town has any grievances about anything, geez guys know your target audience.

Local Discourse Power Rankings

1. Not In My Potomac Yard (Last week: 1). It’s so great that everyone spent their holiday season resting up and taking a break from screaming about the arena! *touches earpiece* Correction, we’re being told that the only thing people did over the holidays was scream about the arena. See, this is what we love about Alexandrians, even when the temperature drops outside we can always be counted on to have zero chill. For the last few weeks we’ve had folks arguing over who’s picking up the check for the project like a group of broke friends at a restaurant, picking apart financial analyses using their summa cum laude econ degrees from Google University, dreaming up wishlists of fantasy alternatives (botanical garden, giant waterslide, Las Vegas-style orb) that literally no one is offering to build, and forming anti-arena organizations with genius acronyms like CSAPY that roll mellifluously off the tongue. Please pace yourselves, we’ve got a long year ahead of us and you still have to complete your Wikipedia course-loads in noise pollution and traffic engineering. 
2. Winter Wonderland (Last week: NR). We don’t care what your phone’s weather app tells you, if you think we’re going to get any meaningful snow accumulations this weekend you are trululu delulu, as the youths say [Editor’s note: youths… say this?]. But look on the bright side–freezing rain doesn’t have to be shoveled, you can leave your kids’ sled in the cobwebby corner of the basement where it’s been sitting since January 2022, and you still have an excuse to sit in your warm cozy house where there’s nothing to do except drink hot chocolate and post on the neighborhood listserv about the arena… you know what, fuck it we’re on Team Snow.
3. She Doesn’t Even Go Here (Last week: NR). The Alexandria Times ran an article today about someone that doesn’t currently live in the city, hasn’t lived in the city for years, and doesn’t have a current connection to any newsworthy local figure. Go ahead and read it yourself if you want, but as near as we can tell this is just an embarrassingly ham-handed effort to be all neener-neener-neener you used to know someone that people are mad at and while we’re not entirely sure which Pulitzer category that sort of reporting falls under, we’re working on figuring that out.
4. You Idiots Are Doing This Road Wrong (Last week: 5). A new front has been opened in the city’s ongoing malicious and deranged War on Cars™ with Alexandria announcing the hiring of parking enforcement mercenaries. These soldiers of fortune—and not the awesome kind that escaped to the underground and will help you with a problem if you can find them and hire them—are operating under the suspiciously benign name “Reimagine Parking” and will be patrolling our streets looking to pounce on any waywardly stored vehicle. And while you think we might be overreacting and blowing a totally routine staffing thing out of proportion, just you wait—it might start with parking enforcement mercenaries, but before you know it the city is bringing the Golden Company across the Narrow Sea to handle our cut-through traffic problem and then we’re all really in trouble.
5. Banks-y (Last week: NR). What’s the deal with every vacant storefront in town turning into a retail bank branch? Don’t get us wrong, we love a free lollipop as much as the next person… but this just seems like a lot of damn banks. It’s not just us either, the Orvis store in Clarendon (crosses selves, spits over shoulder) is also closing and turning into a bank. What are we missing, why so many banks. If you’re a small business owner making frequent deposits–totally get it, you’re a bank person. But the rest of you? What’s going on here, no one can enjoy standing in line that much, and even if you did isn’t it easier to just try and go to Target on Saturday? We can’t believe we’re saying this, but maybe an Old Town full of wig shops was more interesting than an Old Town full of bank branches.

Alexandria’s Hottest Club Is… School Board District A

In addition to forming resolutions that we are absolutely, definitely, one hundred percent going to keep, Alexandrians are also kicking off the new year by honoring our cherished local tradition of voting as often as humanly possible. That’s right folks, we’ve got a special election for school board next Tuesday (although early voting has already started and lasts through Saturday). We’d provide a link to find your polling place but we’re guessing you know where it is since you basically live there.

Why is this happening, you ask? Well, there’s a vacancy on the school board because Willie Bailey pulled an *NSYNC and went “Bye Bye Bye” in the middle of his term. Now he’s “Gone” and even though it’s “Tearin’ Up My Heart” we have to move on and choose a successor to serve out the remainder of 2024. Unfortunately, even though “God Must Have Spent A Little More Time on You” we do not have any time to waste voting for his replacement due to local election timing rules, hence all the rush. So on January 9 we’re all going to find out which candidate will get to say “It’s Gonna Be Me” [Editor’s note: we apologize profoundly for this entire paragraph].

The vacant seat represents School Board District A, which is more or less the east end of the city—Old Town, Del Ray, Arlandria/Chirilagua, and Potomac Yard Ted Leonsisville. In other words, voters west of Russell Road are not invited to the club this time around. Sorry or congratulations, depending on how excited you were to read the remainder of this segment of the newsletter.

The two candidates vying for the open seat are Gina Baum, an ACPS parent who’s making steady progress on her City Boards and Commissions Member punch card, and Tim Beaty, an ACPS substitute teacher and erstwhile Teamsters buddy of James Hoffa (not that one). If these candidate names mean nothing to you and you still have no fucking idea what’s going on (who does???), there are some resources available to help you decide! The always excellent ACHS student newspaper interviewed both candidates, as did Liberally Social, an ingeniously named podcast with a theme song that sounds like the intro to a 1992 eurodance track by a band out of the former East Germany. After absorbing these materials, let’s just say that your choice between the two candidates will probably come down to how negatively you feel things are going at ACPS right now and how many times per hour you post about those feelings on Facebook.

So if you’re one of the lucky ones living in District A, learn enough to make an informed decision and then get out there and vote. After all, you’ll only get the chance to do it three (3) more times this calendar year. DEMOCRACY!!!

The Alexandria Times Quote of the Week

“Once upon a time in the kingdom of Alexandria, there was a parcel of land, known as 301 N. Fairfax St.”

Ooh, we know this story! Spoiler alert, it doesn’t turn out well for the villagers wielding torches and pitchforks. 

One Awesome Thing in ALX

Something that makes any community great is beloved long-tenured local businesses, and it’s heart-wrenching anytime one of them reaches a point that they have to close; either due to a changing business environment, retirement, or both. What follows is typically an outpouring of support and nostalgia before the doors close for good (like in the cases of Atlantis and Faccia Luna) but occasionally last rites are postponed by someone new stepping in to sustain the business and maintain its place in the fabric of everyday life (like in the case of Dairy Godmother). 

Over the holiday break we were fortunate to get one of those second category stories, as the announced closure of the hardware store in Del Ray was forestalled by its sale to new owners who also happen to live in the neighborhood. After a quick (and very nice looking!) facelift, the store was already back open as of this week. It was cool to learn that the new owners felt the same connection to this store that many of us in the neighborhood also felt, and though they didn’t use this specific term it’s clear that they understand this store’s critical role as a third place.

Third places, in sociological terms, are those places that aren’t home and aren’t work yet foster consistent and ongoing public interaction with a mix of familiar faces and strangers alike. Think churches, coffee shops, or local bars. They’re incredibly important to building social capital and building strong cohesive communities, and are a key feature and benefit of denser more walkable environments. They’re also something we’ve lost a lot of due to both the pandemic and changing cultures around work, in addition to ongoing trends related to online socialization and a host of other things. As we’ve lost these places we’ve seen increasing trends in loneliness, isolation, and polarization. And while third places are not a corrective to these trends on their own, it’s undeniable that we need more places to get to know neighbors and local business owners, to feel like we’re part of a collective community

We’re really pleased to see this third place saved and sustained, and we hope more neighbors across Alexandria can create and sustain more third places of their own.

You can follow Becky @beckyhammer.bsky.social and Jesse @oconnell.bsky.social on Bluesky, or you can e-mail us anytime at alxtranewsletter@gmail.com.