Our Money Doesn’t Fold, It Jingle Jingles

It’s the start of the festive season in Alexandria, a signature period of the year for the city that manages to highlight all of the things that make us charming (parades! tree lightings! holiday markets!) as well as all of the things that make us extremely extra (all of these things happening on the same day!). Despite the stress, we really do love this time of year for a lot of reasons, not the least of which is the frantic pace of things keeping our typical flood of intrusive thoughts at bay. What kind of intrusive thoughts you ask? Oh, nothing much! Just totally normal things like “if George Washington was the mayor of Alexandria right now would he be more mad about the federal government interfering in local decisions or having to figure out how to use the Parkmobile app” and “is it okay to be confusingly aroused by the Turkey Trot mascot or is that just dehydration” and “when we’re remembering the Titans are we remembering each one of them individually or is it more like we’re remembering the collective idea of the Titans” and also “do we think the ABC store raccoon was making actual cocktails since his hands could probably work a shaker, and if so, what was he making.”

Oh—here’s another more seasonally appropriate one we had the other day: do we have a Christmas-based local economy? Think about it! Like we said right up in the lede, this is one of our busiest times of year! The sale of boat lights alone might be half of our local GDP, we don’t know! Ok ok, fine, obviously we don’t have a Christmas-based local economy, that’s an absurd thing to say, it makes it sound like we’re some sort of made up place in a Hallmark movie called Wreathington where everyone in town works for the hot chocolate powder factory and the kindly plant foreman is Kurt Russell but maybe he’s secretly someone else?? [Editor’s note: ohmygod, he’s Krampus]. But this time of year does really remind us—what with everyone coming to town for the parades, and the lights, and the small business shopping—that we most certainly do have a visitor-based local economy.

That was one of the topline findings in the recently released ALX Forward economic vision plan from AEDP, a document intended to guide and shape local decisionmaking related to our goals for the local economy in the years ahead. The first goal emphasizes the importance of our continued efforts around placemaking, and connecting distinct neighborhoods across the city. It says:

The City is frequently ranked by national publications as a top place to live and visit. Small businesses in Old Town are a regional draw, and many visitors include the area as a daytime stop in their itinerary during a larger trip to Washington, DC. There is also potential for future tourism initiatives to highlight the amenities in other parts of the City, such as the vibrant restaurant scene in West End or the eclectic shops and events in Del Ray. The strategic framework seeks to address these gaps and further elevate Alexandria’s status as a tourism destination.

Yes! 

Alexandria’s neighborhoods, corridors, and commercial districts are more than physical spaces—they communicate the City’s identity, preserve its history, and provide the basis for economic growth.

Hell yes! 

Over time, however, Alexandria has become less accessible to a wide variety of people. Housing has become unattainable for many, and most residents rent their homes. Affordability challenges extend to the commercial market as well.

Ah shit. 

Look, yes, this is obviously not a shock—affordability challenges, particularly related to housing, have been the throughline of most local policymaking for the last five to ten years and the most constant theme of the writing in this fine publication on your phone screen right now. But it is still valuable to directly discuss the push-pull between the economic strategy of being a highly desirable place for people to live and visit, and what fundamental laws of supply and demand do as you become more desirable. 

Because let us be perfectly clear–we should absolutely pursue placemaking strategies that make us more desirable! The challenges we face as a consequence of the city’s growth and evolution in the past several decades are real, but the solution to those challenges is certainly not (as we have consistently heard from some quarters) to go back to being boring and dull and needing to go elsewhere for amenities and entertainment. There are clear, indisputable advantages to an economic strategy that centers being attractive to visitors—primarily that they mostly spend money and mostly don’t use services. And we definitely want them to spend that money here and not in [shudders] Arlington.

You should take time to read the whole plan—there’s an extensive list of strategies, actions, and tactics for the placemaking goal (things like launching a Neighborhood Partner Program modeled after the city’s Community Matching Fund, and emphasizing investments in the experience economy) as well as the other two goals: one related to business retention and recruitment, and one about entrepreneurship and innovation. The plan was informed by community engagement at the economic summit, so if you participated in that you might even see some of your influence here.

So while we clearly don’t have a local economy based on Santa jingling all the way, we do have an economy that is navigating a tricky transition from a dominant emphasis on federal government office employees to one that is more balanced and resilient and forward-looking. Done correctly, these strategies will enable us to strike that balance between attracting people to the city, and using the revenue from that activity to support resources and programs that make the city more affordable and accessible for all of us. We may not get that right all at once, and there will likely be bumps along the way, but it’s encouraging to see the city being proactive about the reality of these changes, and willing to try something different.

Things You May Have Missed Because You Have a Life 

• This is our *extremely middle school voice* six sevvvvvven-th issue of the newsletter! We definitely know what that means [Editor’s note: We definitely do not know what that means and we never will]. If you’re worried that we’re going to do another version of this joke two issues from now, don’t worry, we will, and it’s going to be nice.
• Tomorrow is the parade-iest day of the year in Parade City. We’ve got a land parade. We’ve got a sea parade. All we’re missing is an air parade to fully demonstrate our readiness for combat in a range of diverse environments (such as, and we’re just pulling examples at random here, S. Arlington Mill Drive, Four Mile Run, and the airspace above Shirlington). 
• Glorious news for local imbibers: Del Ray’s Department of Beer and Wine has FINALLY reopened in its new location on Mt. Vernon Ave. This auspicious development happened just in time for the holiday season, as the ALX contingent on Bluesky has an annual tradition of drinking and sharing pictures of DBW’s beer advent calendar every day in December. It’s not too late to get your own and join the fun using the hashtag #ALXBeercember!
• It has come to our attention that someone is offering an Old Town pizza tour with only three (3) stops. First, we want to express our appreciation that this tour exists because our culture deserves to be recognized and honored. But three pizzerias in three hours?? Those are rookie numbers, you’ve gotta pump those numbers up. A Google Maps itinerary developed by Lost Dog shows that you could hit 14 pizza joints in Del Ray and Old Town on foot in 2 hours and 10 minutes, leaving plenty of time to grab a slice at each. This is how REAL Alexandrians do it!! Get on our level, food tour operators!!!

Local Discourse Power Rankings

1. ICE ICE Baby (Previously: 2). Despite Council’s measured and well-reasoned plea to stop doing so, the Sheriff’s office is still transferring inmates to ICE custody without a judicial warrant. However you feel about this, nobody is happier about it than the Alexandria Times. They ran two different letters supporting the practice last week, one of which was literally one sentence. A single sentence!! Let this be your sign to send us an email that expresses one solitary thought, could even be a grammatical fragment, not supported by any arguments or data, we’ll still run it because apparently it’s cool to just publish whatever now. The other letter said that any immigrants who end up in the jail probably aren’t “model residents.” So, what? Everyone who gets arrested is automatically guilty of something? Did we learn nothing from the Central Park Five, the Scottsboro boys, or Paddington 2?? Last but not least, they ran a poll that was maybe the platonic ideal of an Alexandria Times survey in that it presented a question (“Do you think the Sheriff’s Office should cooperate with ICE?”) with multiple choice options: the one they preferred (“yes”) and two others that were basically the same thing, splitting the opposition vote (“no” and “only if judicial warrants are provided”). Fun side note, the fourth option (“I’m not sure”) received zero votes, which really tracks for this city. You all are a bunch of opinionated sons of bitches. Anyway, we can’t wait to vote in next week’s poll, “Should Justin Wilson be sent to The Hague?” (response options: “yes,” “no,” “not this week,” and “no again but worded slightly differently”).
2. Don’t Zone Me Bro (Last week: 1). The Coalition for a Livable* Alexandria (*offer valid only if you can trace your ancestry back to a member of the Virginia House of Burgesses) isn’t ready to give up the fight over Zoning for Housing despite being financially insolvent, announcing on their website that “plintiffs [sic] consider appeal” of the November summary judgment. The problem is, even the people who sympathize with them are starting to realize that continuing to support this wild goose case is akin to torching their life savings with a flamethrower. The increasingly desperate CLA fundraising emails have thus adopted a two-pronged approach. First, scare tactics, like the claim that Zoning for Housing will allow your neighbors to build massive houses like the one that went viral in Fairfax County. While we love to be threatened with a good time, that claim is factually inaccurate due to small details like setback requirements and floor area ratios. We recognize that facts are immaterial when you’re fearmongering, but you can do better than this [Editor’s note: they very obviously can’t]!! And second, the most recent email revealed that if CLA can come up with one-third of the legal fees they owe their attorneys, the law firm will forgive the remaining two-thirds so the appeal can proceed… in other words, giving their customers a break now so they keep racking up future debt. Can somebody tell us if it’s a good sign when your law firm is doing predatory lending? Well, whatever happens, we wish them only the best, by which we mean having an epiphany about how misguided this entire endeavor has been and retiring to Boca.
3. Market to Market-ish (Previously: NR). The Old Town Alexandria Farmer’s Market is moving across the street from Market Square for the duration of the City Hall renovation, and by doing so preserves its status as the nation’s oldest farmer’s market continuously hosted at the same site. And while we are all in favor of jealously guarding our city’s various distinctions and accolades, is this really the same site? Doesn’t this feel like some sort of Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim kind of geographical shenanigans? Market Square is Market Square. The new location is… Tavern Square. Now maybe the plan is to National Landing this bitch and start referring to Tavern Square as Market Square West or Greater Market Square, maybe then we’ll have a better chance of getting away with market location shell game. But listen, take it from two people who have previously crossed swords with the Accrediting Society of Single-Location Continually Operating Market Programs (ASSCOMP)—you do not want to fuck with those people.
4. BAR Rescue (Previously: 5). Speaking of City Hall being renovated, city staff have been continuing to move the proposed plan for Market Square through the required approval steps, one of which was going before the Board of Architectural Review. The BAR approved the project but with a list of conditions and changes, and this week the city appealed that decision to City Council seeking the removal of the BAR-imposed revisions. And maybe you’re thinking “oh these changes must have been substantive requests related to serious things like the accessibility or functionality of the building because surely no one would risk a public project this important on silly things” to which we’d reply—bless your heart, you must be new here. That’s because the deeply important issue at the heart of this fight is… [glances heaven-ward in search of strength] decorative chimneys. On one hand it will never not be funny that the city has to act like any old applicant and go get the same project approval as Doug who just wants to replace the windows in his townhouse on Princess Street. But on the other hand, we’re talking about fake chimneys?? Impotent masonry?? Potemkin flues?? Managing to piss off both Jim Parajon and Santa is a pretty neat trick, but having done so should stand as pretty conclusive evidence of your need to revisit the choices that led you to this place (this place being a lie made out of bricks).
5. Is Our Children Learning (Last week: 5). NOT THIS MORNING, THEY’RE NOT. And to make matters worse, while they are stuck at home on the sofa for two hours they can’t even track the progress of delightfully named salt trucks and snowplows because we won’t do that for some reason even though [spits over shoulder to ward off evil] Arlington does! Ugh, we don’t like any of this.

Alexandria’s Hottest Club Is… Holiday Shopping

Over the past week the American public has been subjected to a seemingly endless series of shopping “holidays”: Black Friday, Small Business Saturday, Cyber Monday, Buy Now Pay Later Wednesday, and everyone’s favorite, Credit Card Debt Thursday. Alexandria even has its own special shopping day after Thanksgiving, although ours is Scottish, for reasons. Living through this sequence of events can feel like being trapped inside late-stage capitalism’s Google calendar with no one but Jeff Bezos to hear you scream, but the fact remains that our loved ones still get pissed if we “opt out” of buying them “thoughtful gifts” that demonstrate “how much we care.” So here we are, presenting our own gift guide—Alexandria-themed, of course. Let’s call it Plaid Friday 2: Even Plaider Stripe Out The Tartaning.

First up, art inspired by our beautiful city is always a great choice. We particularly recommend artwork that conflates “Alexandria” with “Old Town,” the only neighborhood that exists to the outside world. Your gift recipients in Del Ray, Rosemont, Carlyle, Seminary Hill, Taylor Run, Eisenhower, Van Dorn, North Ridge, Potomac Yard, Clover-College Park, Cameron Station, or Arlandria will absolutely love this. Especially when they notice that Mount Vernon (who doesn’t even go here) is pictured prominently!

Next, your friends and family will love receiving their very own Alexandria flags to fly proudly at their residences. This gift has the side benefit of exasperating that one person they know who’s super intense about enforcing the rules about where the city seal is allowed to be displayed, leading to many amusing conversations about whether their home could reasonably be confused with an official municipal building. Ask us how we know.

If you’re like us, you probably know people who confuse us on an existential level. Their personalities contain elements that seem internally inconsistent, even self-contradictory. Maybe they maintain a working-class aesthetic while also pursuing an interest in Old English typography. Or they listen to West Coast gangsta rap while shopping for personalized notecards on Zazzle. It can be hard to buy presents for these people. Here are two options.

For those of you who have high-integrity density haters in your lives, first of all, we’re very sorry, you can come over to our houses on Christmas if you need a break. And second of all, you should buy them this artistic vision of Ye Olde Alexandria with no buildings whatsoever. It will either make them happy or psychologically break their brains beyond repair, so proceed with caution.

Here’s an easy one. Everybody loves a candle! Warm, cozy, fire hazard, it checks all the boxes. We’re just curious though, what does an Alexandria candle smell like? Wrong answers only, please.

If you’re shopping for someone who’s a local history buff, why not fuck with them introduce a little whimsy into their holiday season by getting them a shirt that’s totally incorrect about when this city was founded? Like, off base by a mile. Swing and a miss. Not even in the right century. It’s a great conversation starter! Even better, bundle both of them in a two-pack for twice the “huh?”

There are lots of other apparel options out there if your gift recipient isn’t into history, like shirts that proclaim their love for the city we call home. Whom amongst us can resist the beauty of the famous mountain ranges of Alexandria, rolling distantly toward the dusky horizon? Or the breathtaking audacity of a crime against basic principles of graphic design?

Now, we know lots of gift givers these days have been trying to cut down on new purchases and buy thrifted items for economic or sustainability reasons. We have suggestions for you too! It turns out eBay is replete with old shit from all around the world and Alexandria is no exception. Vintage DASH tokens are easy to find on the site and make great stocking stuffers. Recipients will surely hearken back to the dark times when our city’s buses weren’t free. Not even the Ghost of Christmas Past could inspire such a somber reminder of how good we truly have it.

For the culinary whiz in your life, how about a vintage 1980 cookbook compiled by the Junior Auxiliary of the Alexandria Hospital? One of the recipes in the listing’s preview images is for “jellied shrimp mold,” perfect to serve on New Year’s Eve. That way if everybody pukes after eating it you can just blame the champagne. Overall it’s a great gift idea, just tell the recipient not to think too hard about what “heritage” means in this context.

And for a loved one who’s nostalgic for the old days, whether that means the times when concerts were still held at the roller rink or when church history brochures still referred to “the war between the states,” eBay has some fun artifacts for them too.

The possibilities are endless, but it’s time for us to wrap this up before your inboxes cut off the end of this newsletter. Before we go, here are a couple of actually serious suggestions that would make kickass Alexandria holiday gifts:

• The Office of Historic Alexandria’s canal ornament or the Spite House ornament from Red Barn Mercantile
• A Port City Brewing tank top or aloha shirt or limited edition winter scarf
• A vintage commemorative Coke bottle celebrating the city’s semiquincentennial
• Any of the below stickers from Port City Shirts:

Happy shopping!

Overheard in ALX

Last weekend hundreds of runners completed the Taco Bell DC 50K, which started and ended at the Taco Bell Cantina on King Street. The Washington Post interviewed runners at the starting line: 

“I like eating Taco Bell. I do not run at all. But I can walk or run for 11 hours,” Stern said. “I’m going to finish because it’s funny and no one believes I’m going to finish. And I’m going to finish.”

And from WTOP's reporting at the finish line: 

“I was made for this. I grew up eating like 7-Eleven like three times a day, so I was made for this,” said Smith, washing down his last Taco Bell meal with a cold beer.

Honestly? This is so beautiful. The world is full of athletic competitions for people who train hard and treat their bodies like a temple, when what we really need are races for people motivated by spite who treat their bodies like a dumpster. The sense of fulfilling a sacred destiny embodied in these quotes can only make us dream of achieving a similar degree of self-actualization in 2026. Bless.

One Awesome Thing in ALX

If you—like us and Whitney Houston—believe the children are our future, we hope you’ve heard about all the ways that current and former students at Alexandria City High School have been crushing it lately. First we found out that Theogony, the ACHS student newspaper, won the national Courage in Student Journalism Award for defending press freedom and fighting for editorial independence by pushing back against a proposed policy that would have required administrators to pre-approve their stories. As two people who refuse to be censored, even when it would indisputably be in the public interest for us to shut the fuck up, we can only say… right on, let those kids cook!!!

Then we also found out that an ACHS grad won a Rhodes scholarship to go study at Oxford and be fancy and smart! We love that for him and us because one Alexandrian’s glory is shared by each and all! Not only is this a huge honor because only 32 students from the U.S. win these scholarships each year, but part of this student’s journey involved taking online classes at NVCC while he was in the Air Force, before he ultimately transferred to Princeton. As Princeton is commonly known as one of the lesser Ivies [Editor’s note: it’s like you want the CIA to kill us] we’re just gonna go ahead and let our local community college take full credit for this man’s educational success. Unfortunately, a student from Arlington did also win a scholarship, which makes us feel approximately two percent less special. But we have a student journalism award and Arlington doesn’t! Which is what really matters!! As we have made clear through the excessive number of Arlington-related jokes in this issue!!! Also, the kids matter. Good job, kids. We’re proud of you.

You can follow Becky @beckyhammer.bsky.social and Jesse @oconnell.bsky.social on Bluesky, or you can e-mail us anytime at alxtranewsletter@gmail.com.

ALXtra is a free-to-read newsletter about current events in Alexandria, Virginia. Subscribe to get it delivered directly to your inbox. Paid subscriptions give you access to the comments. Revenue from subscriptions gets used in the following ways: 1) a third goes into a charity fund, and every time that fund hits $500 we’ll make a donation to a local charity in the name of ALXtra’s readers and we’ll feature and write about that organization, like we did here, here, here, and here; 2) another third of the money will go toward investments in the newsletter; and 3) the final third of the money goes toward self-care for your two intrepid authors.