Sister Act

Our country has always loved stories about Americans going to France. These tales have a huge cultural imprint–from An American in Paris to Midnight in Paris, Before Sunset to A Year in Provence, and of course who could forget the seminal Rugrats in Paris: The Movie. People even watch Emily in Paris despite the fact that critics have called it (and these are all real quotes) “the worst show on television,” “bad, and not in a fun way,” “insufferable,” “fundamentally awful,” and “too boring to even hate-watch.” We just can’t resist La France! It holds a powerful mystique for Yanks, a je ne sais quoi if you will [Editor’s note: I absolutely will not]. So it was kind of surprising when a number of Alexandrians recently got upset about two of our local elected representatives traveling to our French sister city, Caen, to celebrate its 1,000th birthday party. They weren’t even mad about the trip for a good reason—like because they were suffering from an ALX275-related inferiority complex, which frankly would be understandable—but rather because they thought it was just a big waste of time.

Setting aside the “pot/kettle” nature of people who spend their days posting angry comments on local news stories complaining about other people’s time management, we believe this critique is fundamentally misplaced. The sister city program through which this trip was organized isn’t just an excuse for municipal officials to take international vacations (even if they deserve it for putting up so patiently with our nonsense). It’s also not some frivolous project created to give bored Alexandrians another fun commission to join. This program is an important tool for diplomacy, economic development, and mutual support—and at a time when America’s global soft power and influence are rapidly shrinking, these kinds of city-to-city partnerships are more important than ever.

We wrote a deeply unserious piece about our sister cities in ALXtra last year (scroll past the Dillon Rule essay, stop when you get to William the Conqueror marrying his cousin), but we want to take this opportunity to defend the program in earnest given that it’s suddenly come under fire from the self-appointed Integrity Illuminati. Simply put, having sister cities is beneficial for Alexandria. Communities participating in this program go out of their way to exchange useful information with each other. When Mayor Gaskins and Councilman Chapman were in France, they talked with their foreign counterparts about potentially making use of the local university’s research into flood mitigation technology. That would be very cool! Even if it means we’d have to change #DrainALX to #ÉgoutterALX, which is borderline unpronounceable. It could still be worth it! And who knows what else Caen might be able to help us with. Expanding our Euro-style pedestrian zone? Converting our glut of pizzerias to crêperies? Attracting professional sports teams owned by Kylian Mbappé? Displaying more ambiguously shaped modern art installations in historical areas?

And maybe there are things we could do to help them, too. Honestly, it’s not the worst idea to try to build some goodwill toward Americans in other countries now that our national government is going out of its way to make the rest of the world hate us, including our closest allies. We can’t stop the president from putting tariffs on Caen-made products like apple brandy, camembert cheese, and… uh… tripe [Editor’s note: you know what, let’s go ahead and tariff that one], but if we can send some friendly Alexandrian ambassadors over there to convince France not to boycott our city like Canadians booing the stars and stripes at a hockey game, then isn’t that worth doing? Don’t we want to send a message to the world that despite what’s going on across the Potomac, our city wants to maintain trade, tourism, and cultural exchange? If we think that’s an important goal, then it’s up to us to accomplish it, since all the diplomats whose job it is to actually go out and strengthen ties with other countries have been locked out of their Foggy Bottom offices.

To be clear, we don’t know whether the peanut gallery’s complaints about the Caen trip represent good-faith concerns or whether this is just yet another thing for Area Grumps to pick on city council about. Either way, it doesn’t make a ton of sense. Our elected officials were only gone a couple of days, nothing major was happening here during that time, and they paid for their own travel expenses. You have to wonder, would people have fired up the outrage machine if the mayor had spent the same amount of time attending a conference in Ohio? Okay, maybe we would have been like “...Ohio? Really? Are you sure?” But that’s a different type of concern, because voluntarily going to Ohio is generally seen as a cry for help. We’re just saying, we’re pretty sure that nobody would have used that as an excuse to yell at her for not staying home and personally filling in the pothole on their block. Or maybe they would, everyone’s yelling a lot these days, who knows.

The point is, as much as we pretend we reside on a special plane of existence and don’t have to share physical borders with other lowly jurisdictions like [cringe] Arlington or [shudder] Fairfax County, Alexandria is not an island. Connections with others enrich our community, even when those “others” are located in [exaggeratedly guttural accent] Frrraaance. And we’re lucky to have a complement of dedicated, hardworking officials who are capable of managing these relationships and also filling potholes and also preventing crime and also providing resources to federal workers and also and also and also. We have a long list of priorities, but relationship-building deserves to be included. This is a time when looking outward instead of inward feels like an important act of resistance. No, we’re not turning our backs on the world. No, we’re not retreating into nationalism and isolationism. And if continued commitment to our sister cities means a chance of improved access to tripe stinky cheese, then all we can say is: vive la fraternité.

Things You May Have Missed Because You Have a Life 

• Mark your calendars and start preemptively agonizing over not being able to support all the causes that matter to you: the 15th annual edition of Spring2ACTion is next Wednesday!
• The eateries of Alexandria have had a big couple weeks in the media as Passport Magazine took a tour of our city’s global cuisines, three local spots made it onto Northern Virginia Magazine’s best burgers list, and Eater DC published an updated guide to Del Ray dining. It’s like they knew we’d all be doing a lot of stress-eating this weekend…
• Two tall ships? In this economy??
• DASH is collecting public comment on the FY26 Alexandria Transit Strategic Plan so now’s your chance to ask why we don’t have one of those cool magic buses that makes you really small so you can explore inside blood vessels and learn about circulation and stuff (or maybe just give feedback on some thoughtful route and service improvements). 
• Del Ray Dog Fest is tomorrow, which is weird because we could have sworn dog fest in Del Ray was yesterday, and the day before that, and the day before that… and well, you get it. We love our dogs around here.

Local Discourse Power Rankings

1. Don’t Zone Subpoena Me Bro (Last week: NR). We get it—being served with a legal document can be intimidating. As a writing team who’s received multiple cease-and-desist orders from George Washington’s estate, we know how it feels! But we would like to gently and empathetically argue that the subpoenas the city issued to certain Zoning for Housing opponents requesting their communications about the subject of the lawsuit are not an authoritarian scare tactic imported from 1930s Germany, as this week’s front-page Alexandria Times story suggests, but rather a normal and routine step in litigation. It’s essential for both sides in a case to seek potential evidence through a process called “discovery.” And to get that information from someone who isn’t a party but has information relevant to the claims in the suit, the way to request it is via subpoena. This happens all the time. The city’s lawyers are following standard procedure in gathering all the facts. Imputing ill intent to this is like arguing that the Netflix “Are you still watching?” notification is harassment. It would be like saying that Sherlock Holmes shouldn’t ask a witness questions because that would be “too aggressive.” We hope this explanation is useful and remind anyone still confused on this point that  we’re available to help the next time youhave questions about a basic legal procedures issue. We also give great advice on baking and reaching things on high shelves.
2. The Eye of the Beholder (Last week: 5). As we acknowledged in our last issue, the new waterfront park art—officially known as Break Water, unofficially known as Goth Beanbag Mountain—could be interpreted to resemble any number of objects or geographical features upon which humans might have occasion to tread, so we guess it’s no surprise that in erecting this installation the city has accidentally created Alexandria’s most climbable object. Adults and kids alike have been spotted treating this sculpture like an obstacle on American Ninja Warrior. Do we think they should stop? Yes. Do we want to climb on it too? Also yes. Look, when you drop something into a public park that looks like a cross between a set piece from “Legends of the Hidden Temple” and a Hot Topic clearance rack, it’s going to awaken a primal urge in millennials, that’s just basic psychology. If the city doesn’t want this to happen then maybe for the next iteration of Site See they should consider commissioning a sculpture of something Alexandrians want nothing to do with, like a vice presidential motorcade or a Cybertruck with Maryland plates. 
3. You Idiots Are Doing This Road Wrong (Last week: 2). The city announced that it’s adding more speed cameras in school zones and people are reacting exactly as you would expect, i.e. bemoaning their reduced ability to blow past children in the crosswalk so they can arrive at work thirty seconds faster. Honestly, the reaction is so predictable that it’s getting boring at this point. Is ChatGPT writing these Facebook comments? “Big Brother” this, “money grab” that. Get some new material!!!! You want people to join you in your fight against speed cameras? Try claiming that gerbils live inside them and press the button to take the pictures, those animal cruelty allegations will get PETA involved for sure. Or like, say the cameras are secretly filming “The Real Housewives of North Ridge” without our consent. They’re disrupting our cars’ chakra alignments. They’re tracking how often we go to the Dairy Godmother and reporting it to our primary care physicians. If you’re going to be mad about being held accountable for your own behavior at least summon up some goddamn creativity while you do it, it really isn’t that hard!!! 
4. Optimal Wit(ness) (Last week: NR). Late afternoon on Wednesday Economy Knower and Definitely Fully Clothed Emperor Trump President Trump announced a series of reciprocal tariffs [Editor’s note: not what that means] with countries around the globe [Editor’s note: and also some penguins] to achieve the stated aim of Making America Wealthy Again [Editor’s note: the Dow Jones would like a word]. But earlier in the week—well before the President would launch his world historic example of global trade dumbfuckery—he was pre-butted by none other than Alexandria’s own Bill Butcher of Port City Brewing who held a Capitol Hill press conference on Monday to highlight the impact of the previously announced tariffs on Canada. He explained how a 25% tariff on the ingredients Port City buys from Canada would not only impact the price that consumers pay for his beer, but how it would also imperil his business and small businesses like his from staying alive. This admirable showing by Bill and Port City got us thinking–what other Alexandria businesses should we delegate key federal functions and responsibilities to? Maybe fibre space could run the State Department since they know how to make close ties with people [Editor’s note: for chrissake is that supposed to be a knots joke??] and Eras Bar could take over the Department of Justice given their extensive recent experience talking to lawyers.
5. A Haunting on King Street (Last week: NR). If you’ve not had the chance to experience it for yourself, Alexandria’s 311 service is pretty fantastic. It’s a well-designed website (and mobile website) that lets you submit service requests on basically any issue you could imagine. Just this week in fact Jesse submitted a 311 ticket for a missing “No Parking” sign and the city had a crew out to replace it in less than a day. It’s truly an example of local government working at its best, and that’s even before you factor in its utility for reporting ghost sightings. That’s right, a tipster flagged for us the existence of a 311 ticket that says “a gentleman reports that twice in the last week the front door of City Hall has opened on its own around 2 am. Neither time did any person emerge or seem to be near the doors.” It’s blatantly obvious that City Hall is haunted as hell (have you seen those pictures of our first dozen or so mayors??) and this is just concrete evidence of that fact. When we redo Market Square we need to build those foundations out of solid blocks of salt or that door is just going to keep opening and closing on its own until Egon Spengler makes time to come down and climb on Break Water.

Alexandria’s Hottest Club Is… Paloozas

On March 31 the city kicked off its annual Pothole Palooza, a month-spanning effort to patch streets across Alexandria and repair the damage they incurred over the course of the winter. By this point we all have our favorite potholes (ours is the stretch of Windsor just past the St. Stephens exit that looks like the surface of the moon had an acne breakout) as well as our strategy for avoiding them (read: forgetting about it every single time until half of your wheel has disappeared into the hole as you scream a word that we keep getting polite emails to ask us to stop using) but it will be nice all the same to see them get filled. What makes Pothole Palooza different from the rest of the year is that the city spends these 30 days driving around and filling whatever they can find and see—the rest of the year they rely on us to report specific potholes through 311.

Anyway, we think this whole “palooza” concept is really cool and wonder why we can’t apply it to more city functions! Think about the attention the city is getting out of branding a routine activity like fixing roads (boring) as a festive annual event that makes potholes the stars (exciting). We all talk about “budget season” but why can’t we have Budget Palooza! The former sounds lengthy and arduous (ugh, a season? We already have eleven of those!!) but the latter sounds like something you have to get on Ticketmaster for and hit refresh for an hour or else you’ll never get to see Capital Improvement Program play their hit single “Please Don’t Ask for Another Middle School” live in Grant Park.

Or what about Trash Palooza! Every single week we are asked to drag our trash and recycling bins down to the curb. It’s hard to think of a more monotonous obligation, but if you forget to do it, whoa watch out–you’re going to be hosting Raccoon Palooza in your backyard before you know it. But if we rebranded trash day as Trash Palooza suddenly it’s exciting and interesting! You don’t want to just take your cans down to the curb, you want to crowd surf them to the bottom of your driveway! You want to do it at the same time as your neighbors in some kind of synchronized celebration of responsible refuse management!

It’s easy to grumble about trying to find parking at Witter or Limerick or Simpson at 6:30pm on a weeknight but that’s because you’re acting like you’re driving the soccer carpool. But what if you were participating in Soccer Palooza? Doesn’t that sound way better?? Two to three nights a week you’re not fighting grinding traffic on Russell Road while most of a starting basketball team’s worth of adolescent girls argue about pop music in the back seat of your car. No, you’re part of Soccer Palooza! Our near-daily civic holiday!

There’s really no limit to the joyous application of this mindset. Real estate assessments getting mailed out? Nope. That’s Tax Palooza. Standing out in the cold three times in eight weeks from December through early March? Parade Palooza. In the flight path of the airport? Plane Palooza.

These are troubled and stressful times. Rather than sink into the depths of despair, embrace this festive solution and the hope it offers. Because remember–you’re not stuck in a rut, you’re just a pothole waiting to be palooza’d.

Overheard in ALX

A Nextdoor user in Seminary Hill posted on Tuesday: 

“Anyone know if one can buy a military surplus M4A3 Sherman tank and park it in one’s driveway?”

It’s so incredibly on-brand for this city that even the armed insurrectionists make sure to verify their compliance with zoning restrictions and vehicle registration requirements before purchasing secondhand military combat vehicles. And listen while we sincerely appreciate that zoning concerns were top of mind, we think what we should actually be worried about is the Give a Mouse a Cookie Effect. Because if you give Seminary Hill a Sherman tank, before you know it Cameron Station is going to have an A-10 Warthog. And if Cameron Station is going to get an A-10 Warthog, well Old Town is going to need an Arleigh Burke-class destroyer. And if Old Town has an Arleigh Burke-class destroyer, then North Ridge is going to need a B-52 Stratofortress and we think everyone can agree that no one needs a B-52 Stratofortress laying around The Pit park for some 7 year-old to ride down the service ramp at a high speed. 

One Awesome Thing in ALX

Normally when you see a windowless white van cruising around a city park, it’s considered unwise to approach it, especially if you have children with you. But there’s one white van in Alexandria that you don’t have to run away from: the Mobile Art Lab! This totally not creepy “dynamic arts vehicle” run by the city’s Office of the Arts roams our neighborhoods ready to deploy hand-on art activities at a moment’s notice. You may have noticed it parked at events like ALX Jazz Fest or the city’s birthday party, enticing kids to step right up and take some free candy participate in a printmaking, coloring, painting, or collage-assembling project. 

What we really appreciate about the Mobile Art Lab is that it aims to bring equitable access to the arts in all parts of the city, including in the West End, where residents don’t have easy access to Old Town arts mainstays like the Torpedo Factory and Art League. It also joyfully delivers the message that art isn’t a thing that’s separate from people’s everyday lives but can also be a part of it. In fact, you can request that the Mobile Art Lab come to an event in your community at no cost to you, as long as the event is free and open to the public. The city plans to bring it to 30 to 40 events in 2025, so fill out the request form by the April 13 deadline if you want to get on the list! Just remember: always make sure you’re approaching the right white van before you get too close.

Programming Note

We’ll be back in your inboxes in three weeks (instead of the usual two-week interval) as we enjoy some time off and co-dependently travel with our respective families to the same spring break destination. Hang in there and we’ll see you on April 25!

You can follow Becky @beckyhammer.bsky.social and Jesse @oconnell.bsky.social on Bluesky, or you can e-mail us anytime at alxtranewsletter@gmail.com.

ALXtra is a free-to-read newsletter about current events in Alexandria, Virginia. Subscribe to get it delivered directly to your inbox. Paid subscriptions give you access to the comments. Revenue from subscriptions gets used in the following ways: 1) a third goes into a charity fund, and every time that fund hits $500 we’ll make a donation to a local charity in the name of ALXtra’s readers and we’ll feature and write about that organization, like we did here, here, here, and here; 2) another third of the money will go toward investments in the newsletter; and 3) the final third of the money goes toward self-care for your two intrepid authors.