Ward Play

There’s an old saying that goes: if you can’t win the game, change the rules. This is a cute expression to print on a motivational poster hanging in the lobby of your scrappy upstart small business. It is not cute when you’re talking about toying with the democratic process to gain an advantage in your crusade against duplexes and bike lanes.

In recent weeks, certain people who feel salty about repeatedly losing local elections have started agitating (again) for Alexandria to get rid of at-large Council elections and return to wards. Like low-rise jeans and live-action remakes that destroy the ineffable charm of beloved animated films, a ward system is a bad idea that resurfaces at periodic intervals. A Council-appointed panel studied it back in the early 90s, and it was pushed again in 2021 by a small coalition called For Wards (a true *chef’s kiss* of a single-issue advocacy group name). The proponents of the idea change, but their rationales are usually the same. There’s the bullshit reason they say out loud (it will make elected officials more responsive to their constituents) and the real reason they usually don’t (it’s their only chance in hell of winning a seat in a citywide race). As before, we should recognize this latest bout of whinging as the gallon of sour grapes juice that it is.

First of all, there’s no guarantee that a ward system would even result in a person representing minority views (e.g., hide-bound, anti-development, anti-chicken) getting elected to Council. While those opinions may be temporally concentrated in 1952, we can’t assume that the people holding them are geographically concentrated in a single part of the city.

For example, take the 2021 local primary. In a head-to-head matchup, Allison Silberberg (the mayoral candidate of choice for the constituency now arguing for wards) only won 5 non-contiguous precincts out of 31 total, some of those by tiny margins. It’s conceivable you could cobble together some adjacent precincts into a ward that a Council opposition candidate à la Silberberg could win, but it would be really fucking hard. Forget girl math or boy math, you’d need some magical NIMBY math to make those numbers work. 

More importantly, there’s no good reason why we should change the rules. It’s pretty widely known that wards—in traditional political parlance—suck ass. As various Councilmembers noted at last month’s town hall, ward systems give leaders less appreciation for city-wide issues and make it harder to address neighborhood-specific problems. Even on the narrow point of responsiveness to constituents, the numbers don’t pencil out: having seven representatives to pester with your concerns is more people than having one representative to pester with your concerns.

Those in favor of wards love to tell anyone who will listen that the current at-large system is a legacy of discrimination, and claim its adoption in the mid-20th century was meant to disenfranchise specific local communities. The last thing we’re going to do is sit here and defend the actions of mid-century Alexandrians (*cough* T.C. Williams *cough*) but the history here is murky: other accounts attribute the motivation for change from wards to at-large as a consequence of financial mismanagement under the previous ward system. The point is, whether they’re right or not, current ward cheerleaders are trying to make the case that at-large elections are now working to disenfranchise a new set of minority voters: them. This—to use a highly technical term—is absolute hooey. Unpopular opinion-havers are not a legally protected class under the 14th Amendment to the United States Constitution, and we have no obligation to ensure they’re represented in local government. 

The discussions around reforming school board elections are a useful counterexample. Changing the structure and process of representation makes sense when there’s an actual problem with the current approach that’s frustrating good governance. That logic also applies to broader institutions outside Alexandria like the Electoral College that are totally fucked and should definitely be overhauled. But our at-large Council is governing effectively and in line with the desires of the majority of voters. We don’t need to fix what isn’t broken. If you can’t win an election in this city, that’s not a rules problem. That’s a you problem.

Things You May Have Missed Because You Have a Life 

• Alexandria was just named the third-best small city. We did it! We finally beat Greenville, South Carolina! Take that, former textile capital of the world!!!
• Unlike NOAA, the Old Farmer’s Almanac is predicting a snowy winter. We can tell you from personal experience that the best way to ensure this does not happen is to purchase new snow gear for your children.
• Coyotes: they’re a good thing! If you see a bear, however, run for your fucking life.
• [extremely John Wick voice] People keep asking us if we’re back. And we really haven’t had an answer. But now, yeah, we’re thinking we’re back (for tourism).

Local Discourse Power Rankings

1. Reading Is Fundamental Controversial (Last week: NR). We want to let you in on a little secret: if you’re ever wondering which side of an issue is the wrong one to be on, just apply the simple test, “Is this something the villains in an Indiana Jones movie would do?” and you’ll get a clear and unambiguous answer about where things stand. This test came in handy this week, as the Alexandria Library joined similar efforts across the nation to celebrate and appreciate the growing list of books being attacked by tedious shut-ins, which led to the event promptly being criticized by—brace yourself—tedious shut-ins. On a related note, did you see the story that a woman from Virginia who challenges on average one book a week is one of 11 people nationally that have accounted for 60% of book challenges last year? What the fuck, lady! That is a piss-poor hobby! If you’re looking for a leisure activity that wrecks society, at least have some respect for tradition and gamble on sports or something, damn.
2. Zoning (Last week: 2). Fun week for fans of a sufficient supply of shelter as staff updates at Planning Commission made clear that they approached their assignment much in the same way that children complain there is no food in the house while staring at a pantry full of everything but Pop-Tarts. You don’t want food, you want Pop-Tarts. Just say that! Don’t tell us there’s no food! You decided in advance that you would take every meaningful SF zone reform option off the table (the rest of the damn pantry) and then you’re dismayed there’s no magical increase in housing (Pop-Tarts). Of course we don’t have fucking Pop-Tarts, we need you to just pick something else to eat.
3. Back2Good (Last week: NR). WMATA hasn’t had the easiest decade. When the trains weren’t literally killing people they were overcrowded and late. The term d’art “deferred maintenance” was revealed to mean “we didn’t fix shit for decades and now it’s all falling apart.” Then the pandemic hit along with a precipitous collapse in ridership, followed by the discovery that the 7000 series trains had been sold to them with wheels as an optional add-on. But with all that behind them, Metro had been trending positively recently- opening a new station in Potomac Yard and seeing a steady uptick in boardings. It was a perfect time, in other words, for a train to derail just outside National Airport. Fortunately, this time, there’s nothing wrong with the 7000 series trains! They just ran over something that fell off a 3000 series train, which is totally different and totally fine. It’s part of the charm of the 3000 seri- hang on where are you going? Is that the Uber app? Wait! Come back, please! We have wifi now!
4. Reality TV (Last week: NR). First, we had a local contestant on the Golden Bachelor. Now, we’ve got someone on Hell’s Kitchen (ok technically she’s from Fauxlexandria but we’re letting that slide this one time for the sake of this bit). So… is this an official trend? Does this thing have legs? Is Becky going to get tossed off The Voice for rapping uncensored Bad Bunny songs? Is Jesse going to tearfully part with a Below Deck crew because he cannot, technically speaking, fit below deck? Don’t touch that dial, we’ll be back after the break.
5. Operating Status of the United States Government (Last week: NR). We dodged a shutdown! This is great news! It’s just that the city did all this work to prepare. But it’s so much better this way, honestly. Even though we’re not getting any restaurant or bar specials. It’s fine. We’re not disappointed at all. The mayor had to rewrite his entire newsletter, which is kind of a shame… but no, it’s good. All good.

Alexandria’s Hottest Club Is… The Library Book Sale

Wanna know a secret about us? We love books. This is probably a huge surprise to you because of how cool, funny, and athletic we are. But it’s true! In addition to writing an excessive number of words every week in this newsletter, we also occasionally like to put words back into our brains, using our eyes, through a process called “reading.”

Our favorite place to feed this habit—as well as to mingle with other hot, glamorous bibliophiles—is the Alexandria Library. Sure, we check stuff out, but sometimes temporarily possessing a book just isn’t enough; we need to collect it, to buy it, to own it forever. (Sorry, did this just get weird?) That’s why the really good shit is the book sale that happens at the library once or twice a year, organized by the nonprofit volunteer group that supports each branch. You can buy tons of reading material for a couple dollars a pop. If you’re a Friends of the Library member you can attend the sale a day early and—at some branches—get free books! (That sound you hear is us hyperventilating.) All of this is great news for library fundraising efforts but horrible news for literary degenerates who are in danger of being crushed to death by ceiling-high piles of books that have turned their homes into death traps.

One of the best things about the library book sale is that it gives you a window into the books your neighbors have been reading, as all the items on offer have been donated. Nothing says “I live in the National Capital Region” like a table groaning under the weight of This Town by Mark Leibovich, Bob Woodward’s Fear, various and sundry Clinton memoirs, a half-dozen copies of the 9/11 Commission Report, and a dog-eared edition of The Women of the 116th Congress. (If that last one belonged to you, please seek help, you pervert.) Elsewhere you can find vintage treasures such as dusty cookery tomes with dozens of recipes involving aspic, Vietnam War explainers for elementary students, and topical “humor” books full of jokes about AOL chat rooms that were already cringe when they were published in 1996.

But the single most common book that was unceremoniously dumped into the library’s donation bins this year—and please know that unlike Dave Barry, we’re not joking—is Hillbilly Elegy by our friend and neighbor J.D. Vance. This makes sense. After all, there’s no need to keep a copy lying around after you’ve finished hate-reading it and giving it a one-star review on Goodreads. (Digression: please don’t read this book if you haven’t already. It is bad. Like, so, so bad. And it will make you angry. It’s full of obnoxious statements about how he’s a “real patriot,” unlike people who live on the “Acela corridor” (where he, fun fact, lives now!), because he cries every time he hears Lee Greenwood’s “I'm Proud to Be an American,” which ISN’T EVEN THE NAME OF THE SONG). Discarding all these unwanted copies mere blocks from J.D.’s house is ice-cold, and we love to see it.

Anyway, you should go check out these sales for yourself. Buy some (good) books! And while you’re there, you can pick up some of the other cool shit the library offers like thermal cameras and state park passes. The Duncan branch sale just ended, but Beatley’s is coming up in October, so mark your calendars! We’ll see you there - just keep your grubby hands off our Doris Kearns Goodwin.

The Alexandria Times Quote of the Week

“Other knowledgeable Alexandrians, including former city officials, have confidently described an intentional plan: essentially a conspiracy of developers, lawyers and city officials to overdevelop the city. Their concern and suspicion is that developer-lawyer-politico relationships of mutual interest will prevail until the city – already the densest in Virginia – becomes so crowded that none of us can move.”

Shit, guys. They discovered our secret. Fine, we’ll admit it: we’re going to turn Alexandria into The Cube.

One Awesome Thing in ALX

One of the indisputably great things about Alexandria is our commitment to the arts. From the Torpedo Factory, to Art on the Avenue (this weekend!!), to the Instagrammable sculpture installments in Waterfront Park - all of these and much more are made possible and accessible through public subsidy and volunteer commitment alike. One story last week showed the creative lengths that local leaders will go to in service of this mission. 

Forced to move out of their long-time space, The Art League was faced with the possibility of leaving Alexandria after nearly three-quarters of a century teaching and celebrating art and artists of all ages. But they’ll be able to stay in the city—in a warehouse building on Slater’s Lane—thanks to our economic development agency thinking creatively about how to deploy the Industrial Development Authority (IDA). Owing to the IDA’s ability to access low-interest financing, they helped The Art League secure the loans necessary to lease their new space as well as program and open their as-yet-dormant gallery space at the recently constructed Muse building in North Old Town.

It’s hard to do much better than the combination of innovative policy thinking, in support of a beloved local non-profit, to ensure the ongoing availability of creative and enriching activities. We love to see it.

You can follow Becky @beckyhammer.bsky.social and Jesse @oconnell.bsky.social on Bluesky, or you can e-mail us anytime at alxtranewsletter@gmail.com.